Fortresses, Bridges, and Boundaries

Original text was published in Czech magazine Psychologie Dnes 2/24. Translation by AI.

Sometimes we build impenetrable walls around ourselves and end up feeling isolated; other times, we struggle to define our space. How can we reconnect with others, with ourselves, and with the world?

I am married to a Slovak. Given my surname, this might seem amusing, but it doesn’t make long border crossings any easier. As we cross the Morava River, I often reflect on how the landscape inspires psychological thinking and therapeutic practice. It offers countless metaphors for connection and division, similarity and difference, closeness and distance. The natural world can also provide surprising solutions to difficult situations.

Working with boundaries is one of the most common themes clients bring to therapy. Many find themselves at the "extremes" of the spectrum: some live behind walls that make them feel safe but also deeply lonely. Others struggle to "do" boundaries at all—they can’t say no to extra work assignments or toxic partners and often take responsibility for others when it’s neither required nor healthy.

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Castles and Fortresses

With "fortified" clients, the goal is to help them reconnect with the outside world. Their situation is akin to that of castle dwellers, who have spent years constructing walls, moats, and defensive strategies. These clients often grew up with caregivers who used violence or intimidation as a form of discipline, unknowingly teaching them sophisticated survival strategies.

By the time such clients enter therapy, they are often deeply distressed. Together, we may arrive at an image of imprisonment: in a high tower (for clients with a narcissistic "I’m the best" mindset) or in a dark dungeon (for those struggling with severe feelings of worthlessness). The landscape of their inner world often includes steep hills or mountains, representing the constant uphill struggle to be "enough"—good enough, successful enough, or content enough.

Building a therapeutic relationship with these clients resembles the effort of fairy-tale princes rescuing imprisoned princesses. Therapists need patience, ingenuity, determination, and trust in a happy ending. The first phase of therapy often involves bringing the client down from their tower or helping them climb out of the depths of depression and into the light.

Some clients call out, "Help! Save me!" but then hurl stones, pour boiling water, or figuratively spit on the therapist. Establishing trust and creating a mutual working relationship is half the battle.

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Bridges

The second phase begins when clients show interest in the world beyond their fortress. Over time—measured in weeks or months, depending on the severity of the initial issue—they may realize that living in the safety of solitude is sometimes easy but often lonely and unsatisfying.

The goal of this phase is to help clients build bridges from their "kingdom" to others. Some bridges may be simple footpaths or stepping stones over a stream, quick and easy to traverse. Others may need to span deep chasms, wild rivers, or dangerous terrain, requiring careful planning and significant effort. The early attempts may collapse—relationships may fail, or clients may face rejection—but with experience, they learn to build sturdier connections.

Bridges are wonderful shortcuts. However, crossing them often means confronting fundamental differences between the two sides. The world "on the other side" may operate in completely unfamiliar ways.

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Boundaries

When crossing a boundary, it’s helpful to see a sign informing us where we are entering, what language is spoken, and what rules apply. This kind of clarity should also be part of our interpersonal relationships, signaling others where our limits lie and how they can interact with us respectfully.

We have various tools for this: emotions expressed through behavior. Authentic reactions show others where they’re welcome and where they’re not. Some boundaries invite others in, while others signal that entry is inappropriate or outright forbidden. The form these boundaries take is up to us:

- A line drawn in the dirt is quick and easy but easily erased or ignored.

- A hedge is natural and visually pleasing but requires time to grow and regular trimming to maintain density.

- A chain-link fence is durable and permeable but vulnerable to being cut or breached.

- A wall offers security but isolates us and deprives us of information about the outside world.

Reflecting on how we manage our boundaries raises additional questions: Do we live among friendly neighbors or feel surrounded by hostility? Do those close to us respect our efforts to protect our personal space? Are we skilled at building bridges and tunnels with others, or are we better at constructing fortresses?

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The way we navigate boundaries, connections, and separations shapes our relationships with others and ourselves. Therapy can help us explore and refine these dynamics, offering paths to healthier, more fulfilling interactions.